A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "WHAT ??????" he asked, "how do you creat a flood?"
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Insurance
Psychiatric Hotline
RING
RING
CLICK
Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.
Professionals
Little Riju was playing with his father's wallet when he accidentally swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom, choking on the quarter.
They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy.
He turned little Riju upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said You must be an expert! The man replied,
No sir I'm just a tax collector.
They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy.
He turned little Riju upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said You must be an expert! The man replied,
No sir I'm just a tax collector.
Do you ever hear voices
A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient. “Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?” asked the psychiatrist. “As a matter of fact, I do,” said the patient. “And when does this happen?” asked the psychiatrist. “Oh,” said the patient, “when I answer the telephone.”
LEGAL QUESTIONING
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
The Brain Teasers
Q: How do you measure a surd's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear!
Q: Why do surds wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SURD BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Q: A surd going to London on a plane, how can you steal his window seat?
A: Tell him the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A SURD THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
A: Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the surd doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the surd stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why do surds work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What did the surd do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: He turned it over and used the other side.
Q: Why did god give surds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
Q: How does a surd measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
Q: How do you make a surd laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
Q: How do you confuse a surd?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: How do you keep a surd in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: How do you keep a surd busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: Why can't surds make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: How did the surd try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
Q: What's the difference between a surd and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: Why do men like surd jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
Q: Why do surds wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: How many surds does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. Heholds the bulb and the world revolves around hin.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What does a surd say when you ask his if his blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What do you get when you offer a surd a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What do you call 10 surds standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call a surd in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call a surd with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do you call a surd in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart surd?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
Q: What do you see when you look into a surd's eyes?
A: The back of his head.
Q: What do you do when a surd throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: What do a bowling ball and a surd have in common?
A1: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
A2: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.
Q: What does a surd and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What is surd's cheer?
A: " I'm surd, I'm surd, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm surd, I'm surd, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why are surds hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Why can't surds put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a surd in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: Whats the difference between a Surd and a Supermarket Trolley.
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: What was the surd psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
Q: Why is the surd's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: A surd ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A surd parade.
Q: GUY ASKED HIS SURD WIFE"HOW DID YOU GET THE CAR IN THE LIVING ROOM"?
A: She said "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."
Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A SURD BELEIVED IN SMOKING.
A: He said "Yes, I've seen it done."
BARGAIN
Santa Singh came to New Delhi and wanted to do shopping at Janpath. His delhiite friend told him that the prices are usually hiked up and he should bargain for half the price.
Santa Singh went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs.
Santa Singh asked for Rs.1000.vendor told he can give the stereo for Rs.1800 for which Santa Singh told no,no only Rs.900.
Vendor said "ok, i will give it for 1500 Rs" and our Santa Singh bargained for Rs.750.
It was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation and thinking that this stupid Sardar is not going to buy anything. He is just wasting my time. He said he will give the stereo for free.
Santa asked whether he will give two.
Vendor now realising that the sardar is out to have some fun and really not interested in buying anything. Vendor agreed.
Monday, February 11, 2008
YOUR MOM....!!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town." Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..." Finally the guy interrupts: "Go home, Dad - you're drunk!" :drinking:
A BUS ACCIDENT
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back."
The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back."
The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
WHAT'S POLITICS ?
Boy: Dad, what's politics?
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management.
Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?
Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son.
That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he have soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can hear him.
The next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own word son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the governments fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!!!!!
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management.
Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?
Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son.
That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he have soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can hear him.
The next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own word son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the governments fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!!!!!
Judgment Of God
Three women died and were brought before God for judgment. God said, "I will let you into paradise if the beliefs you lived were proper. Tell me what you believed when you were alive."
The 1st woman said, "I have always believed in the Grandfathers and Generations, and that is how I lived my life." "Fine," said God. "You may enter paradise and sit on my left."
"What did you believe?" he asked to the 2nd woman "I have always believed in Goodness, and I have tried to live my life in a good way." "Fine! You may also enter paradise and sit on my right."
Then he turned to the third woman. "And what do you believe?" The woman said, "I believe you're sitting in my chair!"
Sunday, February 10, 2008
SMART LAWERS
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of cofee. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
HOMEWORK
Riju: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Riju: Thank you, because I didn't do my homework.
Teacher: no, of course not.
Riju: Thank you, because I didn't do my homework.
Birthday Gift
Boy: I want to present you a DIAMOND RING on your birthday.
Girl: OooHHH DARLING! But I was expecting a NEW CAR from you......
Boy: I also want that but YOU CAN WEAR A FAKE DIAMOND RING
BUT CAN'T RIDE A FAKE CAR !!!!
(Please Smile)
Girl: OooHHH DARLING! But I was expecting a NEW CAR from you......
Boy: I also want that but YOU CAN WEAR A FAKE DIAMOND RING
BUT CAN'T RIDE A FAKE CAR !!!!
(Please Smile)
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Girl to her Boyfriend (A TRUE LOVE)
"I want to share every thing with you. Your JOYS, Your SADNESS, Your HAPPY MOMENTS, Every single second of day"......
"Let us start with your ATM & CREDIT CARD PASSWORD FIRST".
"Let us start with your ATM & CREDIT CARD PASSWORD FIRST".
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